This morning was one of those autumn mornings where the air was crisp and it reminded me of apple picking and jumping in leaves. As I was walking to my car, I sighed in dismay as I noticed the watery residue left on my car by an early morning frost that had just melted. Luckily, it was not actual frost and therefore did not warrant any scraping or the like. I got into my car, hit the windshield wipers, and rolled down both front windows so I could navigate out of my parking spot without hitting a car or the neighbor’s wandering white cat. The “heat” blasted cold air through the vents making it difficult for the water to evaporate off the windshield. Running late, I was unable to take time to wipe away the moisture and off into the street I went with windshield wipers on like it was pouring rain.
I was reminded of typical fall mornings where the world has quite possibly forgotten that school is in session and school buses populate the roadways. Or at least, those who are no longer in school forget. I fall easily into the swing of things during the summer where there are no school buses in sight and the flashing 15 MPH speed limit lights in front of elementary schools are dim and dark. Travel is easy with limited stops and only the occasional hesitant driver. This morning, however, was a different story. My drive to work was a reminder that school is, indeed, in session and that children who were once happy go lucky playing in their backyards at 8 in the morning are now loading themselves onto huge yellow vehicles and whisking away to 6 hours of sitting in front of teachers and being engulfed in information.
I parked in my usual parking spot in front of the medical office building that has become a familiar view the past couple of weeks, turned off the Incubus song I was greatly enjoying on my iPod, grabbed my beloved coffee, and made my way towards the front doors. As I was walking, the smell of the air caught my attention, as it so often does seeing as I experience the world through my nose. I was suddenly sent back to 9th grade. Memories flooded through my brain of experiencing this same smell every fall morning I walked from my house to the high school located in my backyard. What was also contained in this memory were the feelings associated with that dreaded walk. As I confidently walked into the medical building to my job as an Office Coordinator I suddenly felt the insecurity and paranoia that riddled my mind during those morning walks in 9th grade. Being a 5-minute walk at most, my parents never thought to question it as being the reason for my anxiety and uneasiness in the mornings. To an adult who has learned that the world doesn’t really care that they exist, a 5-minute walk down a road is really no big deal. But to a 14 year old, the same walk can feel like 5 hours of torture; as they so often did for me. I would walk down the sidewalk and the juniors and seniors in their “cool” cars and bus loads of students of all ages would pass by me, not even taking the time to steal a glance in my direction. I, however, would feel their non-glances all over me, permeating my every move and thought. And this idea would give me so much anxiety that I would stare at my feet, stepping on the multi-colored leaves and blackened chewed gum on the sidewalk, so intently that sometimes I would almost walk into the roadway leading to the student parking lot without noticing the speeding cars and then, oh definitely then, would I get some glances in my direction.
Memories can be extremely powerful. As I stated before, I see the world through my nose and some smells can pull me so far into the emotions and sensations of a memory that I have to yank myself back from falling completely into a different part of my life before I end up staying there and having to permanently experience it all over again. Or at least, it feels that way.
Autumn smells are potent compared to summer smells. Autumn smells pull me into more memories than any other smell and if I’m not careful I’ll start reliving most of my childhood just from a small whiff of wood smoke, dying leaves, or apples. This morning the smell was of an autumn morning. I can’t even describe the scent but it’s such a familiar smell that there are hundreds of memories associated with it. This morning was one of those mornings where I fear falling into the abyss. Stepping into the lobby of my office building and turning to go down the stairs to the Physical Therapy suite, feeling those insecurities and that anxiety more powerfully than I cared to, I yanked myself from the cliff I’d been teetering on and reminded myself that I am an adult, married, confident, and have no reason to hold the insecurities felt in adolescence. I’ll spend my 9 hours completing my job requirements and have the knowledge that no one is staring at me and judging my every move. I can say a witty remark and know that even if someone thinks it’s stupid, they’ll nervously laugh and move on with their life without giving it a second thought while I can sit and reflect on how silly the remark was and how much my husband would’ve loved it. When I leave for the day at 5 o clock, I’ll take the walk back to my car and more than likely will get hit with another smell that will bring on a whole new set of memories. Hopefully one that’ll be akin to, “Hmm, is that apple pie I smell…?”
Knows Scents 